There is a whole lot of empty in me right now. I’ve been suffering, struggling, hurting, feeling nothing, feeling everything, watching the days tick by. Tick, tick, tick.
I haven’t been around here but I should be. Putting the sadness down in this faceless space gets it out of my head. Otherwise it hangs on, sinking its tentacles deeper and deeper into my consciousness, deeper into my soul, making it so the good stuff can’t find its way in. When I’m here I cry as I type, I feel a hopelessness that is all encompassing, it makes my head throb and my ears feel blocked, but I get it out. And when it is out I don’t dwell on it any more – or at least not as much. By emptying it out I don’t feel quite so empty.
There is still no baby. Still no house. And the career I have decided to change is not taking hold, for every door that opens two slam shut, I am failing at everything. Except sitting on the kitchen floor and crying, I’m pretty good at that.
I’m tying to be hopeful but it is so hard. Another year has passed, another birthday, another month and day and hour that I won’t get back. Time lost to making a change, making things change. Mr W asks if I’ve made the doctor appointment to start the fertility drugs again and the answer is always “no, not yet, I’ll do it this week…” but I don’t. I wait just one more month, maybe it will happen on its own this month, maybe. I wait for him to make the appointment because if he did I’d go, I just can’t do it myself, but I don’t say that to him and he isn’t reading my mind (damn him).
I sit and watch success happen to everyone else and instead of spurring me on it drives me further into the empty. Almost paralyzed with disappointment, I don’t act. It is too hard to act. To admit failure of my body. Failure of my talent. Failure of acting when I should have, when there was more time.
Yes, I know that I should just START NOW. RIGHT NOW. DON’T WAIT ANY LONGER BECAUSE YOU WILL LOOK BACK AND THINK WHY DID I NOT START THEN. So why can’t I?
Here’s to starting.