I’m going away on a little trip this weekend and I’m not sure that I want to go to.
It is a weekend away with people who I can really only call acquaintances. A few are almost friends, but not quite. A few I think I’d like to get to know better, I think. A few I’m not a huge fan of because I find them… odd (?), perhaps a bit uncomfortable to talk to (not because they are challenging in their thinking but the opposite).
So why am I going? Why did I say yes to a weekend I can’t really afford right now with people who I really don’t know that well?
Sigh. Because it was nice to be invited (shit that sounds so pathetic), in these days of social media blah blah it is very easy to see what is happening with the people you know who have not invited you along. Because I need to get out from behind my damn computer and my comfortable lounge. Because it would be good to spend more than a hectic dinner or media event with some of them and I want to have a relaxed conversation instead of a rushed one. Because maybe one or two will become a friend one day? Because if I said no would I be even more on the outer?
There is another event a week later that I am looking forward to a bit more. A party, but a small one. People who I think I connect with more. I think…
Who knows.
All I know for sure is I miss my close circle of friends. The ones I had in my 20s. The ones who knew me, really knew me. What happened to them all? Well we all moved away, found our own lives and partners and cities… is it my fault we drifted apart? Sometimes I think I should email, try harder to make plans when we go on holidays, but why does it have to be my responsibility all the time? Maybe because I’m concerned with having them in my life more than they are with me? So instead I pull away, because it is easier… sort of.
I sway between wanting to go hide in the woods so I don’t ever have to see other people and wanting to have the close circle of friends back – old, new, whatever. In the meantime I’m in acquaintance limbo.