I’ve been away for a while. Not in the on a vacation kind of way but in a watching kind of way.
Floating, withdrawn. I watch myself shut down a bit, again. I should call people and make plans, I should email and I don’t, I’m not sure why.
A bit scared to stop by because here I’m always… hurting? angry? sad? I don’t want to be but it happens – and it happens whether I’m here or not. Maybe it needs to come out to make way for the other stuff – clear out the bad to make room for the good? When I get it out here I kind of just forget about it. When I don’t, I dwell.
Maybe I should come here more often… just to get it out.
But maybe I should be here to celebrate as well as cleanse. To release the happy things out to the world? I guess it’s safer to share the bad ones?
Anyway, we are still stuck in inertia. All those decisions to do something – nothing has been done. And it’s April. shit, it’s April. On the upside I went through with that cutting back the hours in the office thing. It has served to make the days at work more stressful, and make the days at home reasonably unproductive because I don’t know where to start. F-me.
It’s almost my birthday, I used to love birthdays, this year I’m just in dread. Because time is ticking and I hate every single minute of it. I want it to stop until things get sorted. I am completely aware things never get sorted really, there is always something else, but dammit I’m frustrated.
Maybe next time I’ll go for happy…