There is a whole lot of empty in me right now. I’ve been suffering, struggling, hurting, feeling nothing, feeling everything, watching the days tick by. Tick, tick, tick. I haven’t been around here but I should be. Putting the sadness down in this faceless space gets it out of my head. Otherwise it hangs on, sinking its tentacles deeper and deeper into my consciousness, deeper into my soul, making it so the good stuff can’t find its way in. When I’m here I cry as I type, I feel a hopelessness that is all encompassing, it makes my head throb […]
Jun 262013
Tagged with: Bare-soul, Fertility-or-not, real-life, Snap-out-of-it, Suck-it
May 252013
I’m going away on a little trip this weekend and I’m not sure that I want to go to. It is a weekend away with people who I can really only call acquaintances. A few are almost friends, but not quite. A few I think I’d like to get to know better, I think. A few I’m not a huge fan of because I find them… odd (?), perhaps a bit uncomfortable to talk to (not because they are challenging in their thinking but the opposite). So why am I going? Why did I say yes to a weekend I […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul, far-far-away, Snap-out-of-it
Oct 022012
Tagged with: Bare-soul, deep-and-meaningful, I-wanna-sex-you-up, real-life
Jun 302012
I’m struggling. All I want to do is work on my blog (not this one, sorry) and I can’t. Yeah I still churn out a post or two each week – and I have without a doubt a list of pending posts and things I want to cook and germs of recipes swirling in my head – but I can’t seem to do it. I wander in and out of the kitchen, I stare at the screen and keyboard, I watch twitter, I try to edit photos, I snack endlessly, I write here instead. I can’t get my head around […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul, real-life, Snap-out-of-it, Suck-it
May 302012
It’s been a while. I’ve been running very fast and not really getting anywhere. It has been a month of decadence and a bit of laughter and a bit too much sadness. A month of far too much work at things I don’t enjoy, and far too little work on things I do. This evening I landed on the vanilla bean blog, lured by a promise of cardamom sugar buns. While the promised buns were there, I was drawn in by her introspective words and a quote by Joseph Campbell ‘Participate joyfully in the sorrows of world. We cannot cure the […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul, deep-and-meaningful, Fertility-or-not
Apr 122012
I’ve been away for a while. Not in the on a vacation kind of way but in a watching kind of way. Floating, withdrawn. I watch myself shut down a bit, again. I should call people and make plans, I should email and I don’t, I’m not sure why. A bit scared to stop by because here I’m always… hurting? angry? sad? I don’t want to be but it happens – and it happens whether I’m here or not. Maybe it needs to come out to make way for the other stuff – clear out the bad to make room […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul, far-far-away, real-life, work-day
Mar 292012
There have been a lot of things stacking up lately. More pressures from all directions, more to do, more to be, less time to put towards the important things – important as defined by life not by work. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the computer failure. My laptop died recently. I hyperventalated and freaked out and cried and then tried to forget it. To hope for the best. To keep my fingers crossed for retrieval. You see I hadn’t backed up in months. Months of holiday celebrations and photos of recipes and god knows what else. Stop judging. I procrastinated, […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul, real-life, Snap-out-of-it
Mar 082012
Well I’ve done it, I’ve taken my red dress out of the closet and for a spin. The action I took wasn’t huge, but it was big enough for right now, big enough for me today. I’ve made the first step towards cutting back my hours at work. For me this is an enormous step. I’ve had the conversation. I’ve been wanting to have the conversation since November. Putting it off for one reason or another, never finding the right moment. But the other day I just did it. Considered, calm, matter of fact. Wearing my red dress on the […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul, Don't-f-with-me, real-life, Suck-it, work-day
Jan 152012
The Dev and I have been having issues lately. Not with each other luckily but with the struggle together against inertia. The painful horrible repetitive nature of doing the same thing day in and day out. Of working all week just to get to the weekend, and then doing it all again just to rush through another week or month or year of life with nothing to show for it. The pressure of the passing of time, of getting older every day and being at the same place we were a year ago for so many things. We are both […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul
Nov 092011
The other evening @edenland posted on Twitter: I dare everyone on twitter to tell the truth. I’ll begin: I’m wracked with doubt, can’t get a job, parenting can bite me. Go. My response was this: I have an alter ego because I can’t say what I want as myself. And I stay up late at night hoping morning takes longer to get here I watched the stream of responses for a while. It is interesting to me how people put on twitter what they won’t or can’t say in real life – do real life people not follow them there? […]
Tagged with: Bare-soul