Nov 092011

The other evening @edenland posted on Twitter: I dare everyone on twitter to tell the truth. I’ll begin: I’m wracked with doubt, can’t get a job, parenting can bite me. Go.

My response was this: I have an alter ego because I can’t say what I want as myself. And I stay up late at night hoping morning takes longer to get here

I watched the stream of responses for a while. It is interesting to me how people put on twitter what they won’t or can’t say in real life – do real life people not follow them there? Maybe I am just too worried? conservative? shy? scared? to say things as myself. But that is why I have this little corner. So some of my other secrets for today?

I am sad so very much of the time and I shouldn’t be. I know I am lucky, very much so more than many, but I can’t shake sad.

I stare at my computer sometimes just waiting for something to happen. To get an unexpected message that makes my day, or blinding inspiration, or words of praise. It usually doesn’t happen.

I hate my job. I hate even more that I don’t have the courage to go and do what I want.

I procrastinate. Really really badly.

I carry regret badly, I know damn well that you can’t go back and change things yet it doesn’t make me stop hoping. Maybe that is why I am so sad.

I am terrified of getting fat again. I eat healthy, I have occasional treats, I don’t do eating-disorder type things, but i think about it all the time. I was chubby for as long as I can remember, I can’t go back there.

I don’t remember most of my childhood before my teens and I’m not sure why. I remember the broken arm and getting yelled at at Disney world (mutually exclusive events). I remember a birthday party of a friend back before anyone kissed each other where we played spin the bottle and just giggled. I remember some bits and pieces of summer camp. I think I ‘remember’ fun times that I have seen in photos. But over all there is very little to grab on to. It would break my mother’s heart if she knew. It kind of breaks mine. Maybe it’s why I take so many photos.

What about you? Feel free to be anonymous here. Or not. Whatever.

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