Occasionally the teachers at my yoga studio read quotes during the practice. Some resonate, some I just breath in one ear and out the other. But one caught my attention the other day. ‘You cannot force the fruit to ripen, you can only feed the tree‘. Apparently it was said by a famous philosopher but I can’t for the life of me remember who (can anyone help out with this one?) – the quote stuck but the author’s name flew out with an exuberant round of core.

I’ve been trying my best to feed the tree. To put good things in my body. To eliminate the bad. We went unprocessed – years ago now – when we started to see the natural fertility people. We also went off sugar – all sugar – none of these stevia/agave/honey etc substitutes. And alcohol, all alcohol, I wasn’t a big drinker anyway but it meant I couldn’t have a cold hoppy Belgian beer on a hot summer day, or a complex red on a cool autumn evening.

It’s not the unprocessed bit I have an issue with really – I’m actually all for it. But right now all I want is cake. Chocolate cake to be exact. Not healthy, sugar-free, whole grain cake. Gooey, luscious, molten-centred, filled with butter and sugar and white flour cake. But first I want a glass of smooth, rich pinot noir. Served in a beautiful, wide-mouthed goblet, the aroma of spicy fruit and roses wafting up and around. I want to drink it curled up on the lounge, cradling it in two hands.

Then the cake. And with that a dessert wine. Perhaps Botrytis or other appropriately sticky drop. Some decadent vanilla ice cream wouldn’t go astray either. So where is the line between good for me and, well, good for me?

Apr 122012

I’ve been away for a while. Not in the on a vacation kind of way but in a watching kind of way.

Floating, withdrawn. I watch myself shut down a bit, again. I should call people and make plans, I should email and I don’t, I’m not sure why.

A bit scared to stop by because here I’m always… hurting? angry? sad? I don’t want to be but it happens – and it happens whether I’m here or not. Maybe it needs to come out to make way for the other stuff – clear out the bad to make room for the good? When I get it out here I kind of just forget about it. When I don’t, I dwell.

Maybe I should come here more often… just to get it out.

But maybe I should be here to celebrate as well as cleanse. To release the happy things out to the world? I guess it’s safer to share the bad ones?

Anyway, we are still stuck in inertia. All those decisions to do something – nothing has been done. And it’s April. shit, it’s April. On the upside I went through with that cutting back the hours in the office thing. It has served to make the days at work more stressful, and make the days at home reasonably unproductive because I don’t know where to start. F-me.

It’s almost my birthday, I used to love birthdays, this year I’m just in dread. Because time is ticking and I hate every single minute of it. I want it to stop until things get sorted. I am completely aware things never get sorted really, there is always something else, but dammit I’m frustrated.

Maybe next time I’ll go for happy…


Mar 292012

There have been a lot of things stacking up lately. More pressures from all directions, more to do, more to be, less time to put towards the important things – important as defined by life not by work. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the computer failure.

My laptop died recently. I hyperventalated and freaked out and cried and then tried to forget it. To hope for the best. To keep my fingers crossed for retrieval.

You see I hadn’t backed up in months. Months of holiday celebrations and photos of recipes and god knows what else. Stop judging. I procrastinated, put it off, had to buy a hard-drive, had to find time, will do it tomorrow. Then in the blink of an eye – or more accurately the blink of a folder with a question mark – it was kaput.

I turned on the other neglected computer and started using that – I am currently refusing to even look at my camera cards to see what might be on them because I don’t want to deal with what isn’t – and I waited.

But time went on and there was no word from the repairman Mr. W was dealing with because I could not bear to do it myself.

Then the other night there was word. Not only is the hard drive very badly scratched – how the f does that happen?? – but he is not sure if anything can be pulled off of it – and if it can it will take equipment and time and money and there is no guarentee.

And that is when I broke down. A open-mouthed, body-wracking, screwed-up-face, ugly cry that would not end and left me so drained I couldn’t do anything but sit and stare. Do you know what it achieved? Not a fucking thing. But I couldn’t stop. Mr. W offered to make me a cup of tea – bless him. He doesn’t make tea. About 10 minutes later I rescued the pot from the stove before all the water evaporated off and singed it. I made my own tea and it made me feel a bit better although no less empty.

Of course I don’t know the admin password of my current computer so I can’t use TimeMachine or do updates on it. Are you serious? Is this a big fucking joke? So I am treading lightly, fingers crossed every day that this one holds out until I back-up. Terrified and numb.

Yep, it’s a first world problem and so many people have worse ones. But it’s my first world problem and right now is a big fucking deal. It’s months of work. Months of things that never got posted or sent to people. Months of posts that I now only have lo-res online images – yes, better than nothing but still so frustrating. And it’s not just that. It’s the hours of time now to chase up and catch up and sort out. Time I don’t have, can’t afford, don’t want to spend. And the fear that I will discover for months on end yet another thing that is missing. Best to just cut-free and start agin? Who knows, I still have a modicum of hope in the retrieval man.

And to revert straight into childhood, I miss my mom. Times like this I just need a hug.


I mentioned recently that I finally told work that I wanted to cut back on hours. The conversation went really well. And then nothing. Radio silence.

I followed up after a week, gently – as discussed, blah blah. The response? Please put it in writing. Um, ok, could you not have asked that a week ago? So I put it in writing. Complete with an action – I would like to begin these new hours on x date. And then nothing. For another week. Really?

I lamented to my mother about the situation and her response was quite insightful – per usual. It is not his priority to get back to you. It is in his best interest to not reply for as long as possible. Because the longer he takes, the longer it will be before you make a change he is not particularly in support of because it makes his life harder.

Fair enough… well not really but you know what I mean. So I made the next move. I am looking to start my new hours this Friday, please let me know if this will be an issue. Thanks. Queen to king bishop pawn – Check.

A one-line, cc others, reasonably snarky-passive-agressive reply later and it was approved. But what started as a positive supportive conversation between equals ended up as an underlying threat along the lines of We’ll see if this works out

You know what? F-off. I grew up as the target of bi-polar passive-aggressive power struggles for 25 years. I know how this shit works. I see it coming miles away. It took me about a week to spot it after I started, and about a month before I copped it as the target of the day. Apparently I was no longer new so there was no need to be nice anymore.

But it only works if the person trying to swing the power actually has the power. I don’t think he realises that if he deems this situation as not feasable my response is along the lines of it’s been lovely, I am more than happy to give 4 weeks notice out of respect. Have fun looking to fill the spot and have fun telling the clients. No one is irreplaceable, but I’m pretty entrenched.

I started the new hours last week. I’m continuing them this week. The clients are supportive, most of the staff is supportive. I am doing it either way. There is no going back. Check-mate.


In the movies kids always have tree houses. Tucked into a perfect corner of their backyards so when they want to run away they go hide in these little castles. Fully stocked with cookies, metres from a nice warm home, but just far enough away to be in a different world for a little while.

I was speaking to someone the other day and he said ‘It’s not that anything is wrong, but I just want to run away from it all anyway‘.

Oh my god yes.

This is quite possibly the best explanation of how Mr W. and I are both feeling right now. The upside is we want to run away together.

I wish I had a tree house.

Mar 082012

Well I’ve done it, I’ve taken my red dress out of the closet and for a spin. The action I took wasn’t huge, but it was big enough for right now, big enough for me today. I’ve made the first step towards cutting back my hours at work. For me this is an enormous step.

I’ve had the conversation. I’ve been wanting to have the conversation since November. Putting it off for one reason or another, never finding the right moment. But the other day I just did it. Considered, calm, matter of fact. Wearing my red dress on the inside.

The thing is, they really have no option but to accept my proposal. Because if the answer for some reason is no, my response is along the lines of it’s been lovely, please accept my resignation. For that I will wear the dress.

This is for me. And I haven’t done that for a long time.


Many years ago a good friend called us gypsies. It made us laugh because it is pretty close to the truth. Not in the traveling-light sense but in the never-quite-settled sense. We get itchy feet quickly, we need to travel, or move or change.

So in an attempt to solve for one of our items of inertia a decision has been made, sort of. A decision to look somewhere else to live. Somewhere that is less expensive, and closer to the beach and promises of a better lifestyle.

Yes the irony of stating that we are forever on the move in one breath and then saying we are have decided to settle in the next has not been lost on me. But the proviso is this – we find a place to move to for 4 years. If we hate it after one we give it one more. If we hate it after two we go somewhere else. If we love it we still re-evaluate at 4 and see if we want to stay for one more. or more.

But the decision to go and do something, not do nothing because we can’t do everything, not hope that things here will change, is big. Really big. I don’t now how it will work out but it is a step forward. And one of the first we have made in a long time.


The Dev and I have been having issues lately.

Not with each other luckily but with the struggle together against inertia. The painful horrible repetitive nature of doing the same thing day in and day out.

Of working all week just to get to the weekend, and then doing it all again just to rush through another week or month or year of life with nothing to show for it. The pressure of the passing of time, of getting older every day and being at the same place we were a year ago for so many things. We are both getting extraordinarily rammy and frustrated at the lack of .. achievement? movement? success? with things we are trying to ‘make happen’.

The house we still haven’t bought – and are now priced out of the market. The baby-making that just isn’t making a baby. The daily drone of doing things that don’t inspire our minds or feed our souls. And if one more person says ‘it will just happen when you stop looking/trying/thinking about it’ can just go and f-off because when you want something and have been working towards or for it for so long there is no forgetting about it. It is just there. At the forefront, or the background or peripherals, but perpetually there.

We had our ‘when you least expect it’ moment when we found each other. I don’t know if we will get another.

And so we talk about it and try to figure out what on earth to do. And cry.

Jan 022012

Do you vibrate or do you just make noise?

There is always an ohm chant at the beginning and end of my yoga class. Sometimes one, sometimes three, most of the time amazingly harmonized. But for a long time it was just a sound to me. A noise that was made because it is a traditional opening and closing to the practice. Then one day I had a teacher who said ‘ohm is about vibration, not about sound, vibration in your body and soul, in the person next to you or across the room’. From that moment it changed how I felt the ohm. As soon as I looked for the vibration there it was, and the noise that came out wasn’t the important bit any more.

It is the same in life. When you speak up in a meeting or walk into a party or have a heart-to-heart do you vibrate or do you just make noise? Do you make yourself louder to be heard or are you dynamic and considered so that others want to stop and listen?

I read a quote the other day that said ‘Make sure you’ve finished speaking before your audience has finished listening’ – Dorothy Sarnoff. No matter where you vibrate, keep them wanting more.

Dec 202011

Now there’s an idea. Maybe voodoo will help. I bet the naturopath has someone that will charge me for it.

We decided that I would start on acupuncture a month or so back. There was nothing else left to do before going back on Clomid. It looked so promising for a while. And then everything stopped again.

The only other thing that has changed is ‘she’ put me back on Tribulus Forte. I had my suspicions that it had been messing things up and now I’m pretty convinced. Unfortunately now everything needs to come back, again, before we can make any more decisions.

Can you hear me screaming in frustration?

I’ve been reading back through these posts and shit I sound miserable. I guess because this is my vent. But may need to introduce some lightness into the mix soon though!

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